Things have finally settled down and I am feeling more human and less jumpy right now. But I am almost always like that until the sunsets (which its doing earlier and earlier these days).
I am struggling in school this semester. I am pretty worried about that. I am going to drop the math class and hopefully that will help me. I am so afraid to try and get back on a regular routine. I feel like the second I do all hell will break lose again. Gotta get to it though. It's killing my grades. Time to try and get back to life as usual.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Well
I guess I should start shouldn't I? What can I say (and if you know me you know I can say a lot!).....I worry constantly. Now I always worried a lot before all this happened but I never knew worry like I do now. Which makes me worry more. I know, what? With my worry I am smoking more now than ever, not sleeping very much, not eating well, etc.....so I worry about my health as well as everything else going on. And of course I worry that CJ is not getting the attention that he should when all hell breaks lose.
And I think about what I call "the time before". This would be the time before Lily had seizures. It makes me sad. I miss the way things used to be. How nap time and night-night time were times for me to have some me time or time for me and Tracy to have grown up time. Now they are periods of worry and fear for me. Always worrying, always checking to make sure she is ok. My stomach hurts now almost all the time. Some nights are better than others though.
I am glad that I finally went to school and did not drop out. I was drowning in depression, just sitting here thinking about the seizures. I couldn't get away from it. But I have been to two days of class and despite what a stressful time it is going to be trying to get caught up from the week that I missed it gives me something else to think about, something that I can have some kind of control of.
Tracy and CJ will be leaving tomorrow for a weekend camp out. My mom is flying up to stay with me and as always my "hey the guys are gonna go outta town, please come stay with me" best friend is coming up to stay the weekend as well. I am glad that I will have them both here as I am very paranoid right. I am glad that Tracy and CJ are going to the camp-out but at the same time I am nervous about it. I don't think that Tracy knows it but he is my nightly savior. When I get tired I get even more scared and worried and Tracy is always good at calming me down. So I got two nights without him and I am gonna have to suck it up. I don't want my mom to see how bad I can be at times. I don't want her to worry about me.
I wish this would just go away and things could go back to the way they were in the time before but things will never be the same for me again. Even if she were to out grow these ( and I believe the type of seizures (partial complex) are the least likely to be outgrown) I will always worry they will come back.
The first seizure she had after 4 and 1/2 months seizure free was hard to deal with but I accepted it and we were getting back on our regular routine then BLAM little over a week later another one. WTF?? So there will be no relaxing for me. No calming of my thoughts. I can't wait for her appointment with her Neuro (sept 20) to see what she has to say.
And this month I am going to the Parents Seizure Support Group at the hospital. I'm thinking now more than ever its important for my own mental well being that I start making these meetings.
And I think about what I call "the time before". This would be the time before Lily had seizures. It makes me sad. I miss the way things used to be. How nap time and night-night time were times for me to have some me time or time for me and Tracy to have grown up time. Now they are periods of worry and fear for me. Always worrying, always checking to make sure she is ok. My stomach hurts now almost all the time. Some nights are better than others though.
I am glad that I finally went to school and did not drop out. I was drowning in depression, just sitting here thinking about the seizures. I couldn't get away from it. But I have been to two days of class and despite what a stressful time it is going to be trying to get caught up from the week that I missed it gives me something else to think about, something that I can have some kind of control of.
Tracy and CJ will be leaving tomorrow for a weekend camp out. My mom is flying up to stay with me and as always my "hey the guys are gonna go outta town, please come stay with me" best friend is coming up to stay the weekend as well. I am glad that I will have them both here as I am very paranoid right. I am glad that Tracy and CJ are going to the camp-out but at the same time I am nervous about it. I don't think that Tracy knows it but he is my nightly savior. When I get tired I get even more scared and worried and Tracy is always good at calming me down. So I got two nights without him and I am gonna have to suck it up. I don't want my mom to see how bad I can be at times. I don't want her to worry about me.
I wish this would just go away and things could go back to the way they were in the time before but things will never be the same for me again. Even if she were to out grow these ( and I believe the type of seizures (partial complex) are the least likely to be outgrown) I will always worry they will come back.
The first seizure she had after 4 and 1/2 months seizure free was hard to deal with but I accepted it and we were getting back on our regular routine then BLAM little over a week later another one. WTF?? So there will be no relaxing for me. No calming of my thoughts. I can't wait for her appointment with her Neuro (sept 20) to see what she has to say.
And this month I am going to the Parents Seizure Support Group at the hospital. I'm thinking now more than ever its important for my own mental well being that I start making these meetings.
Reason for the creation of this blog
I think I need a place to bring out my feelings honest all out level. This will be my venting space, happy space, depressed space, etc to express myself. I think it will be very beneficial to me to get stupid thoughts outta my head and also I have had people say things like "I don't know how you cope, etc, etc" I think this blog will answer the how.
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